“Sharpen the saw” is a phrase Stephen Covey uses in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to capture the idea of taking time to maintain one’s health and fitness.
I wrote in Cairns 54 how worn down I’d been from carrying the burden of Chrysalis’s facilities challenge, and about a summer of hiking and standing out in the rising tide. School started in late August. As the year progressed, I became increasingly aware of how debilitated I had become. Though the summer was nice, I was still drained. I felt empathy for those suffering post-traumatic stress. It was hard to stay focused and maintain momentum. Too easy to slide off into reading news and playing games and watching movies and avoiding bringing my abilities to the work at hand. I sat around a lot, feeling my strength and vitality ebbing away, aware of how this ebbing then reinforced itself by undermining my confidence to initiate anything that required effort, stamina, or sustained concentration.
My thoughts darkened. This darkening feeling was familiar; several times in my life I’ve had dark nights of the soul. Every time I have passed through them into a new phase of my life that I could never have foreseen. Looking back, the dark night was just a part of the transition so I no longer fear or avoid this feeling. But what concerned me this time was my complacent acceptance of it all. I was willing to just sit there, feeling life energy ebb away, avoiding all responsibility while waiting for something outside myself to come onstage and save me.
In the meantime, Alysia, while on her annual, ten days alone on the beach, recharge at the end of the school year, had decided she needed to make a major life change if she wanted to preserve her health. So she got a gym membership and started working out. She liked the way it made her feel and suggested I do it with her. I had no stomach for that. I wanted the vigor and strength that comes from long days of roaming and exploring the world. That is what I wanted, not a room of people watching TV while sweating on unmoving machines that do no work with the energy expended. I was happy for Alysia and supportive of her resolve in making a life change but the gym was not a path I could follow with her. So I continued to sit. Occasionally I would work in a day of roaming and it would feel so right but I could only work it in every month or two. My energy continued to decline. I’m approaching my sixties so part of me starts wondering, “how much of this is lack of exercise and how much of it is just the inevitable progression of age?” and that gives me more dark thoughts with which to sit and stew in. And Alysia, worrying about me, keeps suggesting the gym and I can’t explain to her how that is not an option for me because it feels too artificial, not on the path I want to stride along. I look forward to the rainy season leading me out on rain walks but Christmas vacation comes and still no rains. Aargh!
However, I do get a call from Art, a Cairns reader, asking if he and Mickki can stop by to talk about flow and other meta-concepts. We meet in the evening and have a good, wide-ranging discussion. However, as the evening progresses, I become uncomfortably aware that I have become a shadow of my self. They ask me questions, seeking wisdom. I reply but wisdom lies not only in the formulation of words but the stirring in of foundational rootedness, a certain strength, humble yet centered, and that I don’t have. My eyes are not dancing. I don’t speak from my center. Eventually I have to simply apologize. I explain how I have been worn down. My spirit’s exhausted and I’m sorry I can’t be as present for you as I truly want to be. They are gracious and grateful for the time we’ve shared and we part after a nice evening together.
A couple of days later I tell Alysia I will try out the gym. I’ve been going for a month and a half now and I really like the difference. I’d prefer striding over the landscape to working out on a machine but I also definitely prefer the feeling after a workout to the feeling of sitting doing nothing. During the day I am more active with the kids. I accomplish more in my work. Have more adventures on the weekend. Feel better. And the dark stagnation has receded.
Upon reflection, I believe my apology to Art and Mickki was the turning point. One of my life goals has been the acquisition of wisdom that would help me live a good life; one of my fantasies has been to be seen by others as wise and able to plant seeds of truth that help others grow. This visit from the two of them was a fulfillment of that fantasy and I wasn’t able to sustain it. That really bothered me. I couldn’t ignore the discrepancy between what I wanted to give them and what I was actually able to give them. I had to acknowledge this. The acknowledging to others of the inner darkness, the confession of the weakness within lances the boil and allows the cleansing and healing. So thank you, Art and Mickki, you gave me more than you realized. And thank you, Alysia, for being my bowrope.
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